SOAKING WET PANTIES

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Dear ‘panties,

It’s been one year and a myriad of culinary kamikazes since I last checked your drawers. It is my great pleasure to return with a vengeance. Yes, I ate out Red Lobster.

Did you know that there is a waiting list at the ‘Lob? Well, there is, and it’s going to cost you an hour of your life and at least one conversation with some Lutherans from Illinois. The upshot here is that there is a bar serving daquiris as big as your head; using two hands and/or alternating hands is the only safe method for consuming this beverage. When your table is ready, the lobster buzzer will vibrate and flash red. Do not confuse the lobster buzzer with a telephone as certain ladies in pantsuits are wont to do. There is no one on the line, and that includes The Captain.

You will be seated under a heat lamp with a view to the elevator and several abstract architectural elements designed to fool you into thinking you are not in a giant conference center. First up, waiter Eric will relay a series of bad jokes before delivering the Lobster Pizza and Lobster Stuffed Mushrooms (aka Seaside Starters). While the pizza is by and large enjoyable (emphasis on large), the mushrooms are to be avoided at all costs. I’m not sure what’s going in there, but if I had to guess I would say lobster throw-up and tiny rubber baggies drowned in cheese.

Moving on the Signature Combinations, you will order the Ultimate Feast. It will arrive no more than five seconds after the Seaside Starters, forcing you to place the Bottomless Biscuits on the dusty ledge of your booth. The Ultimate Feast consists of Maine lobster tail, shrimp scampi, Walt’s Favorite Shrimp, and steamed snow crab legs. Nothing here will be particularly edible, save for the crab legs, which I could eat morning, noon, and night. Alone. In the shower. Listening to Michael Bolton. That said, the lobster tail makes for a realistic set of dentures if you pop the whole shebang in your mouth at once and smile.

Just when you feel like you’ve hit a gastrointestinal wall, the Fudge Overboard will arrive. It will be warm but not hot, like sea water when you pee in the ocean. I don’t believe the ice cream was actually ice cream as it had the taste and texture of vanilla-flavored industrial spackle.


4.0 stars, with no stars awarded for food and all stars awarded for sensory overload, kitsch, and good old-fashioned romance.


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