SOAKING WET PANTIES

eating + zombies = soaking wet panties

2007-10-15T15:00:00.000-04:00

2007-07-19T16:56:00.000-04:00

Dear ‘panties,

It’s been one year and a myriad of culinary kamikazes since I last checked your drawers. It is my great pleasure to return with a vengeance. Yes, I ate out Red Lobster.

Did you know that there is a waiting list at the ‘Lob? Well, there is, and it’s going to cost you an hour of your life and at least one conversation with some Lutherans from Illinois. The upshot here is that there is a bar serving daquiris as big as your head; using two hands and/or alternating hands is the only safe method for consuming this beverage. When your table is ready, the lobster buzzer will vibrate and flash red. Do not confuse the lobster buzzer with a telephone as certain ladies in pantsuits are wont to do. There is no one on the line, and that includes The Captain.

You will be seated under a heat lamp with a view to the elevator and several abstract architectural elements designed to fool you into thinking you are not in a giant conference center. First up, waiter Eric will relay a series of bad jokes before delivering the Lobster Pizza and Lobster Stuffed Mushrooms (aka Seaside Starters). While the pizza is by and large enjoyable (emphasis on large), the mushrooms are to be avoided at all costs. I’m not sure what’s going in there, but if I had to guess I would say lobster throw-up and tiny rubber baggies drowned in cheese.

Moving on the Signature Combinations, you will order the Ultimate Feast. It will arrive no more than five seconds after the Seaside Starters, forcing you to place the Bottomless Biscuits on the dusty ledge of your booth. The Ultimate Feast consists of Maine lobster tail, shrimp scampi, Walt’s Favorite Shrimp, and steamed snow crab legs. Nothing here will be particularly edible, save for the crab legs, which I could eat morning, noon, and night. Alone. In the shower. Listening to Michael Bolton. That said, the lobster tail makes for a realistic set of dentures if you pop the whole shebang in your mouth at once and smile.

Just when you feel like you’ve hit a gastrointestinal wall, the Fudge Overboard will arrive. It will be warm but not hot, like sea water when you pee in the ocean. I don’t believe the ice cream was actually ice cream as it had the taste and texture of vanilla-flavored industrial spackle.

4.0 stars, with no stars awarded for food and all stars awarded for sensory overload, kitsch, and good old-fashioned romance.

the one

2006-06-05T17:05:00.002-04:00

There’s a new stud horse in the Staff Caff, and I am beyond myself as to how I might adequately relay the magnitude of his awesomeness. As his name escapes me at this time, let’s call him Neo.

Neo is certainly not fucking around with those tightly-knit cornrows and gold fronts that flash before the unsuspecting luncher every time he smiles, which is often and without irony. In fact, it appears that for reasons unbeknownst to Caffers (his last job involved corporal punishment, perhaps?), he is genuinely happy to be here, despite never-ending commentary from Liz the Cafeteria Lady and impossibly bad jokes from Dave the Sandwich Guy ("New England clam chowda, get it? Chowda!!!”) Neo wants to know how I’m doing, and even says goodbye when I leave. Neo is my everything.

Last week, Neo created a perfectly proportioned tuna fish, cucumber and swiss sandwich on whole grain bread that he recommended be toasted for maximum enjoyment. Then, this mofo cut my sandwich in fourths diagonally and inserted a tiny wooden stick in each unit. Finally, he exited the lunch line and served my ass, tableside.

I know.

The Secret of My Succe$$

2006-04-07T13:58:00.000-04:00

Today for lunch I had pizza! This was pretty much the only food I could stomach today. I went on a bit of a bender last night at our NCAA basketball celebration. Woke up this morning with a level 5 hangover which was downgraded to a 4 after pizza consumption. We also watched a bit of The Secret of My Success on our 17 inch mac. Susanna ate the leftover crust of Jason's black pepper pizza, which made her feel better. Good times.

Overall rating: 4 stars

boldly consuming lips and assholes

2006-04-06T14:32:00.000-04:00

Today for lunch, I ate a hot dog and a hamburger. Apparently it was throwback to Middle School lunch day at the Staff Caff. Jason got me all hot and bothered in the elevator with grandiose machinations of Swiss cheese and bacon, but there was none to be had. I don’t know why I continue to delude myself in this way.

Susanna correctly identified the burger flavor as ‘nothing’. Also they must have just taken the patties out of the refrigerator because mine nearly froze my cheese.

I learned that our own Fish Taco cleans her bathroom with hotdogs. I also revealed my secret desire to master Klingon. Here’s a little taste:

Huh? = Nuqjatlh? = nook chatch

Where is the bathroom? = nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'? = nook dock oh putch pa eh?

Your mother has a smooth forehead! = Hab SoSlI' Quch! = Hab Shush Li' Cooch*
*Note: this is a powerful insult; don't say it to friends.

Shut up! = bIjatlh 'e' yImev! = b'jock eh imev!

Jade is a Klingon:

Michael the New Guy: Culinary Cock-Tease

2006-04-04T14:11:00.000-04:00

Recently, the Staff Caff raised their prices. Now, I’m not cheap. I would like to think that if the Staff Caff purchased fine ingredients, like say foie gras or even squab, or if the menu options expanded beyond ten distinct meals in rotation, then I would accept the diminished funds in my bank account. Instead, everything is the same.

Except Michael the New Guy.

Michael has invented a variety of paninis and wraps. Finally, someone down there understands that the Staff Caff should give up on hot food entirely and invest in more George Foreman grills. Today I tried my first Michaelwich, which consisted of squash, zucchini, tomato and ricotta cheese rolled into a spinach tortilla and Foreman-grilled. Michael even lovingly arranged the Michaelwich on my plate like some Four Seasons-type shit. It was amazing, that is until I discovered that my little piece of paradise cost $6.50.

3.5 stars.

bite-size burger time

2006-03-30T15:29:00.000-05:00

Today, thanks to the nice weather, we boycotted the staff caff neon orange tandoori chicken in favor of Heartland Brewery. I ordered a plate of mini-cheeseburgers and a side of fries. This was all washed down with a pint of Indiana Pale Ale, which I was unable to finish due to the abundance of mini-cheeseburgers in my tummy. I think Susanna finished it off for me. What a lush.

The lunchtime conversation consisted mostly of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, rollerskating, bowling, and first dates. We all came to the conclusion that ice-skating is not a good idea for a first date. Jason then snarfed his lager and lime which ended the meal on an hilarious and unpleasant note.

Overall rating: 3 1/2 stars

you show me your burrito and i'll show you mine

2006-03-24T14:03:00.000-05:00

Dear 'panties,

Today for lunch I ventured out of the Staff Caff, only to return moments later with a gargantuan burrito. I stuffed this burrito with piles of pulled pork, refried beans, black beans, brown rice, white cheese, salsa, guacamole, sour cream, salsa and plantains. Yeah, I said plantains. In my burrito, motherfucker!

The burrito man was so generous that he was unable to close the whole wheat tortilla over my delicious fillings. The sheer weight and girth of my burrito would likely have frightened a less experienced luncher. However, I was undeterred and polished off my burrito faster than Fish Taco could blurt out ‘Lamb Shank!’

Pizzaparty! was back with a vengeance today on the topic of homeless fecal matter. He also fashioned a fascinating doll out of burrito wrapping and proceeded to talk in what I can only assume was ‘doll voice.’ Pizzaparty! is not winning this year’s NCAA basketball pool.

I give this meal 4 stars / A+.

I am trying desperately to score a date with this guy: http://www.burritoblog.com/

burger is a burger is a burger ours is prime

2006-03-17T16:09:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I ventured out into the St. Patrick’s Day parade and beyond in search of meat. I came up with two cheeseburgers and a side of fries at Primeburger. This meal was too legit to quit. Thanks to Sean, Boy of Finance, for funding this latest binge.

Today’s lunch entertainment was provided by several five- to seven-year-old children, who were alternately licking their hands, licking their neighbors’ hands, stabbing their necks and wrists, asking for cereal and picking their noses. The scene reminded me of a recent night at Connolly’s. The only thing missing was vomit.

My hero:

That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.

2006-03-17T14:07:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I ate braised salmon and scalloped potatoes. Well, let me rephrase that. I tried to eat these things. The salmon was filled with bones. This in turn completely made me give up on the meal entirely. I understand finding one or two bones in fish. Sometimes, that's inevitable. But after the roof of my mouth had sustained 5 to 6 stabbings I just threw in the towel. I'm only human.

So instead I borrowed 45 cents from Steve to purchase an orange. At this point everyone had already finished eating, but they waited for me to peel and eat my orange. This took a good 15 minutes. I could tell people were getting a little fidgetty in the end. Susanna decided to reorganize her wallet. Bless her.

Hopefully this meal will be enough to counter the massive amounts of beer that will be making it's way down my throat at an alarming pace. Tonight should be good, we're listening to some ELO in the office and that's sure to get the party started on the right foot.

Overall rating: 1 1/2 star

a call to arms

2006-03-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

Oh Soaking Wet Panties, like the girl who shares my name on America's Next Top Model, I am confused. Not about my Asian heritage and identity, but about this whole "lunch" thing. You see, rarely do I consume a meal which would be traditionally considered lunch. Is lunch simply the second meal of the day? Does it have to occur during daylight? What IS lunch?? Well according to dictionary.com, lunch is a meal eaten in midday. So I suppose, by that logic, that for lunch yesterday I had my Staff Caff standard, a turkey sandwich on seven grain with swiss, lettuce, tomato, and mustard. It was good, but I was a little dismayed by the lack of the fatty gelatinous rind on the Caff turkey to which I'd become so accustomed. Incidentally, this meal was, according to dictionary.com, also my breakfast. And my second meal of the day, sushi at 7 p.m., certainly qualified as a "main meal" and thus would be dinner, but then so does my third meal of Korean BBQ at midnight. And let's not even talk about "brunch"... I think all these meal terms are highly discriminatory against those with irregular schedules and/or temporary lack of employment and should be eliminated from the lexicon.

Two stars, I guess.

Gina from America's Next Top Model claims her favorite food is pasta. Does she know you're actually supposed to put it in your mouth and then swallow it?

salty chocolate balls

2006-03-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I ate tandoori chicken and rice covered in tandoori chicken debris. Wait, I’m sorry, did I say tandoori chicken? What I mean is cinnamon chicken with fluorescent yellow stains on it. I hate to admit it, but this chicken was actually quite flavorful and appealing after I surgically removed the skin. What the fuck are they doing to the chicken skins down there? I mean, what the fuck?

This lunch also included complementary uncomfortable dialogue with Michael, aka The New Guy, who took over following Ash Berry’s mysterious disappearance from the hot food station. Michael’s strengths include food display and a pleasant, if sexually suggestive, demeanor. Michael’s weaknesses include portion control, cream cheese maintenance and care, and sandwich design.

2.5 stars.

¡salsa time!

2006-03-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I had chicken fajitas and a side of rice. I've had this meal many times before but was pleasantly surprised today. I think this may have been because I took a risk and asked for salsa in my fajita. Don't get me wrong, I love salsa, but it's so touch and go. Seeing that it's literally the spanish word for sauce, you never really know what they might throw in there. My only fear is cilantro. Cilantro is the only food that will immediately ruin my lunch and subsequently my day. Sometimes, it's called coriander. Are they trying to trick me? Back off!

In summation, this is why I am often apprehensive when it comes to salsa. But I took the chance and it paid off...huge time.

Overall rating: 3 1/2 stars

bump that chunk

2006-03-13T16:02:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had a tomato, basil and mozzarella panini and corn chowder. Homeless people crapping on buildings, mysterious fecal liquid and subway platform dumps: this was a lovely meal. However, I would like to take this opportunity to share my latest ruminations on Caff Soup:

A soup with ‘gumbo’, ‘chowder’, ‘chili’ or any other title indicating a chunky texture should, in fact, be chunky in texture. Chunky does not equal six kernels of corn and two bacon bits.

French Onion Soup should contain bread and cheese, not just onions and brown water. Similarly, Chicken Dumpling Soup should contain dumplings, not just chicken broth, carrot nubs and noodle shards.

Crab Soup should contain crab. (I mean, come on.)

Cream of Broccoli is not the same thing as Cream of Asparagus is not the same thing as Creamed Spinach, which is not even soup.

Black Bean Soup should not look and/or taste like muddy water, especially when muddy water is such a hot topic of conversation in the Staff Caff.

panini vs. poop

2006-03-13T14:01:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I had a tomato, mozzarella, and basil panini and some Cape Cod Potato Chips. It was all quite tasty and almost considered getting some more food. However, my appetite was curbed when Steve regaled us with a tale of a homeless man defecating in subway station over the weekend. This prompted Jesse to share his stories of a homeless man crapping his pants on a bus.

Overall rating: 2 1/2 stars (with 1/2 star attributed to the delightful lunch conversation)

oriental orgasm

2006-03-10T15:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah, we went to Applebee’s. Can I get a what what?

Fish Taco isn’t kidding about the menu. Between the Riblets and Sirloin combination platter, the Fajitas con Sizzle and a whole host of gastrointestinal delights, it’s not easy for a girl to pick just one dish. Then again, it’s nearly impossible to complete just one dish. Life is cruel.

I ordered the Oriental Chicken Roll-Up, and let me tell you something: Applebee’s knows oriental chicken. I doused my roll-up in not one but two oriental sauces: a sesame-ish brown sauce and a questionable-looking white sauce, which Jason identified as Cream of Some Young Guy. That joke was shelved for a reason.

I washed my meal down with a pint of Stella. Perfection!

The only downside to this meal was the hot flashes that followed. Or maybe I was just hot and bothered from sitting under a heat lamp for the duration of lunch. Whatever: one million stars.

Sign me up.

$17.49 never tasted so good

2006-03-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

Dear soaking wet panties, I would like to apologize for the lack of lunch posts on my part. To be honest with you, my lunches have not really been blogworthy. But I'm not going to make any excuses. I'm a lazy bastard and I have no problem admitting that. To tell you the truth, I have been waiting for a groundbreaking meal to make my big comeback post. Alas, the day has come.

Today for lunch I went to Applebee's. Yeah, you heard me. Applebee's. It was magical. We all had trouble picking from the menu. There was so much to choose from and the pictures were so beautiful. Another reason we had a hard time picking is because apparently, to dine at an Applebee's in New York City, you need to be a millionaire. That shit is expensive! I finally decided on the Chicken Fried Chicken. Man oh man, was that tasty. Words can not even describe. A big slab of Fried Chicken, on top of a pile of Garlic Mashed Potatoes. And also some seasonal vegetables! Apparently, broccoli is in season now. Who knew?!

I wasn't able to finish my meal, seeing that an Applebee's entrée portion can easily feed a family of 6. But I made a decent dent in it. A Wild Cherry Pepsi helped wash all this magic down. Once I finished my Wild Cherry Pepsi the waitress immediately refilled my 16 oz cup and at this point I became concerned. Who needs that much Wild Cherry Pepsi? Certainly not I.

In conclusion, today's meal made quite an impression on me and my checking account. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. But next time, I'll be sure to wear sweatpants.

Overall rating: 1 million stars

office barbecue not a party

2006-03-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

Dear soakingwetpanties2006,

Lunch today was rather depressing. First, I ate in my office on top of a pile of legal crap. Second, they messed up the mac and cheese again. Third, the skin on my barbecued chicken was so bad I actually mused aloud to no one in particular as to how the hell they make it look and feel so boogery.

Tomorrow I'm going to Applebee’s.

Next week I’m bringing my own lunch:

racist gumbo

2006-03-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I consumed gumbo and a baked potato with bacon, cheese and sour cream. If gumbo equals tomato soup with one piece of okra, some rice, red pepper shards and what looked like sausage skin, then this soup was the definition of gumbo and I hate gumbo. However, something tells me gumbo is not to blame.

The potato was pretty great, rubber-band bacon and chewy skin aside. Tragically, Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy placed the sour cream next to the cheese next to the bacon like fucking neopolitan ice cream.

2 stars.

eating out los angeles

2006-03-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

Don’t think for a moment that we’ve forgotten about you, soakingwetpanties2006. It’s just that Egg Salad is moving and Fish Taco has a hangover and I have become a competitive eater in the non-caff arena. To illustrate, I have just returned from Los Angeles, where I ate twelve distinct meals in three days. I present these meals to you in date/time order:

Kiriko Sushi, Thursday, 8:00 p.m.: Most notable here was the halibut sashimi with ponzu jelly and black truffle shavings and the sea eel sushi rolled in salt and topped with yuzu shavings. Neither of these slammin’ treats are on the menu— my former roommates, Alex and Eric, are that awesome. Chef Dice K gave us a tiny but sensational turdsworth of sesame ice cream on the house.

Barney Greengrass, Friday, 12:30 p.m.: At this restaurant, located on the top floor of Barney’s New York, I consumed ½ of a smoked fish sandwich and a good chunk of the bread basket while staring at plastic surgery, fake boobs and business deals. A quintessential Los Angeles lunching experience.

Langer’s, Friday 3:30 p.m.: At this restaurant, I consumed ½ of the finest pastrami sandwich ever to touch my lips. Needless to say, my panties were soaking wet. Eric bought a hat that reads “’Hot’ Pastrami.” And then there was Joan, our waitress/resident genius, who informed us that she made a special trip to Israel to further explore just what it means to work at a Jewish Deli surrounded by “crack cocaine.”

El Parian, Friday, 4:30 p.m.: Here I split a goat taco, a pork taco and a beef taco and had myself a beer to boot. All delicious, though in hindsight I should have skipped the tacos altogether and ordered up a steaming plate of goat. 20/20 and what-not.

Nameless Thai Night Club, Friday, 8:30 p.m.: At this establishment, I nibbled on some fried chicken skins. Pockets of grease exploding in my mouth aside, this dish was the definition of a party in my pants. Following this dish, I visited my first strip club, Jumbo’s Clown Room, where I learned that the only thing I dislike more than looking at strippers is looking at my friends looking at strippers. So I chugged a couple martinis for dessert.

Yuca’s, Saturday, 1:00 p.m.: This place was, quite simply, the shit. Greasy and flavorful, the tacos at this small hut kick ass (in every way).

Father’s Office, Saturday, 6:00 p.m.: At this restaurant, patrons must stalk their own tables; there are no reservations and no waiting list. The competitive environment ignited my appetite for gastric destruction and I hastily devoured the sweet potato fries, frisée salad with two soft-boiled eggs, lardons and a light coating of bacon drippings, and a smoked bacon/carmelized onion/arugula/gruyere/Maytag blue cheese burger, aka the best thing I have put in my mouth in recent history.

Mashti Malone’s, Saturday, 8:00 p.m.: Here I discovered that unbuttoning one’s pants creates room for ice cream! One scoop of creamy rosewater and one scoop of blueberry cheesecake later, my panties were exposed.

Loteria, Sunday, 11:00 a.m.: At this food stand I achieved Mexican nirvana when I put scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, chorizo, and cheesy nachos in a soft tortilla and dipped the tortilla in black bean sauce. By now I had reached ‘permanently full’ status. Still I persisted.

Siete Mares, Sunday, 4:00 p.m.: Though I was slightly distracted by a real-live Cyclops and a beer-covered schizophrenic, my first fish taco experience was beautiful. (I dedicate this meal to Fish Taco.)

Original Thai Dessert, Sunday, 6:30 p.m.: I’m not quite sure what I ate here, but it involved four distinct items. Dessert is the new appetizer!

Din Tai Fung, Sunday 8:30 p.m.: I was tired. My body was at full capacity. My jeans needed to be surgically removed. I ate ten fascinating soup dumplings and some spinach and blacked out. Then I had some tacos at the airport and went home.

viva la sandwich

2006-02-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today I wisened up in my sandwich pursuits and went to the sparse new-agey juice bar across the street from the Sketchy Health Food Store. I'd never entered the juice bar before, but I'd seen some sandwiches in the window and decided to give it a shot. What a good idea that was! All of their fresh wrapped sandwich options were so enticing I had a hard time picking a winner. I ended up choosing the chicken salad with pecans, raisins, and scallions served with lettuce and seven grain bread. Oh man was this a good sandwich. The pecans, raisins, and scallions were in a perfect ratio and complemented each other and the chicken salad nicely. I picked off some of the thick bread to more fully experience the sandwich contents, but when it was all over I had to eat the remains since the bread was so nutty and delicious and covered in, you guessed it, mayonnaise. It's a shame I'll be moving away from this neighborhood soon, because I would eat a Juice Bar sandwich every day if I could.

Four stars.

Behold, the Fourth Earl of Sandwich, the compulsive gambler and sex fiend responsible for approximately 15% of all the happiness in my life.

crap

2006-02-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

Perhaps Egg Salad is on to something with her health-conscious eating style. Today for lunch, I ate a salad with salmon, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers and a citrus vinaigrette. Once I gave in to the party in my mouth, I lost myself in this salad completely.

Unfortunately, the scalloped potatoes that I ordered as a side dish were not at all scalloped and my good trip quickly devolved into a nightmare. Then I remembered that my little salad cost an ungodly $5.00. Lunch was ruined. Again.

2.5 stars.

An Asian youth hates his/her scalloped potatoes:

hmm...

2006-02-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

Today I made another trip to the Sketchy Health Food Store to pick up some lunch. They were all out of the prepackaged sandwiches Produced Under Orthodox Supervision of Rabbi Israel Steinberg, so I had to get a sandwich from the counter waaaay in the dark and dusty back of the store. Knowing full well that the offerings behind the glass had probably been sitting there for at least a week, I went with my safest bet, turkey. It was a simple sandwich, served in a pita with lettuce, tomato, and some flavorless, presumably low-fat variation on mayonnaise. After one bite I noticed the gummy texture and greenish hue of the turkey (due to contact with the lettuce, surely) so I closed my eyes and ate it really fast. Next time I'm going to Subway. If there IS a next time . . . [cue ominous horror movie music]

Half-star.

hallelujah

2006-02-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

Today our posse was disbanded due to doggie health concerns and sleep deprivation. I am determined to keep the faith alive, goddamnit.

Finally, I got my hands on a Skeletor Bacon Grilled Cheese™. For the love of God, you’ve got to hit up Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy for one of these bad boys! Despite the fact that at one point a piece of bacon snapped out of my mouth like a rubberband and the bread/bacon/cheese ratios were all over the place, I give this lunch 3.5 stars.

Regrettably, my eyes were bigger than my stomach and I ordered a piece of cinnamon chicken thighs as a side. When I reached the register, Liz mumbled something like “Jesus Christ, Ham Sandwich, your eating habits sure are silly!” Anyway, after I gingerly removed the lard from my thigh I was able to properly experience the bizarre cinnamon aftertaste, which tingled at first but was actually quite divine.

I learned that Jason drinks beer in the shower. When coupled with last week’s discovery that Jason takes his meals in the shower, a rather disturbing truth emerges—one that, like Britney’s, I certainly cannot handle.

getting in my panties: a how-to guide

2006-02-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

Today’s lunch forced me to seek inspiration elsewhere. Thankfully TGI Friday’s has a website. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m going to assume you’ve heard about Friday’s new $12.99 menu. $12.99 for three courses! Is it getting hot in here?

To begin, I will order the Chipotle Queso Dip and Chips. According to the website, this appetizer consists of a whole pile of food! The queso in this course will guide me to the loving arms of my entrée, the Cheesy Bacon Cheeseburger. To finish, I will forego ordering the Oreo Madness to try the brand new Fudge Fixation. I have no idea what this dessert consists of but the title alone demands further investigation.

I’ll wash it all down with no less than six rounds of the Ultimate Hawaiian Volcano: “Tropical juices + Southern Comfort + DiSaronno Amaretto + Smirnoff Vodka = an eruption of fun.”

I need a cold shower.

Friday’s = Classy:

healthy choice

2006-02-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had a small salad with feta cheese, tomato, onion, and balsamic vinaigrette. And also some Pita Chips. I felt I needed to eat something healthy after the poison I've been cramming into my body for the past few weeks. And by poison I mean beer and cheeseburgers. The salad was good, but I have the feeling I will need to eat again. and soon. and by eat I mean drink. beer.

Lunch was cut a little short today because we have a trivia quiz at 2 and Jason's colostomy bag was full.

Overall rating: 3 stars

Have a good weekend!

that's my name, don't wear it out

2006-02-17T12:01:00.000-05:00

Today I done did my namesake proud and had an egg salad sandwich for lunch. It consisted of eggs, lovely mayonnaise, lettuce, and fluffy white bread. Simple and pure. I washed it down with the orange "essential" flavor of Vitamin Water. Eggs plus electrolytes. What more could an alcoholic girl ask for??

Three stars.

sick day

2006-02-16T16:20:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had a plain bagel toasted with some chicken salad from the Bagelry. After a late night, very little sleep and an afternoon dentist appointment, I decided to take a sick day. This morning was a little rough but after my delicious lunch I felt infinitely better. The best part about my lunch was being able to eat it in my underwear on my couch while watching daytime TV. I have never felt so alive. But I have to say I missed my lunch companions. Lunch really isn't the same without them.

Overall rating: 3 stars

killing me softly

2006-02-16T14:55:00.000-05:00

I dedicate today’s lunch post to Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy, who created an entirely rational, dare I say scrumptious, grilled ham and American cheese sandwich for me.

Clearly Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy deserves some long-overdue snaps. I’m sorry, Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy, for the time I said you failed to bring your ‘A’ game. I’m also sorry for the time I mocked you for making a turkey sandwich with no turkey in it. And finally, I’m sorry for the time I implied that you require fellatio in order to achieve peak performance.

I should tell you though, Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy, that it still creeps me out when I see you in your real-life clothes. You look like a member of the Wu-Tang Clan and I don’t know how to address you in non-sandwich terms.

For dessert, I drank Emergen-C in an effort to digest last night’s martini disaster squad.

I give this lunch 3 stars.

Wu-Tang Grillah:

e-mayo my heart

2006-02-15T17:02:00.000-05:00

The only thing better than eggless mayonnaise (aside from real mayonnaise, of course,) is cajun spiced eggless mayonnaise. Yes, that's right, I had another Earthly Eats sandwich for lunch today. This time it was Vegetarian Cajun Chicken. Also produced Under Orthodox Supervision of Rabbi Israel Steinberg.

Two stars.

And lest you think I'm actually a health-conscious individual, I'm betting all the money I have (-$9,000 to be precise) that my dinner will consist of cheap chardonnay, imported beer, and fried batter with a little real chicken inside.

hot dog!

2006-02-15T13:56:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I ventured into the outside world and dined at F&B. Awesome move on my part as this turned out to be the best lunch I've had since the inception of Soaking Wet Panties. I had two bare-bones hot dogs with ketchup, mustard, and onions as well as a small order of Pomme Frites with a side of garlic aioli dipping sauce. Not only was the food excellent, it was also paid for by Jesse. We also ate our food in the outdoor area, next to the trash can. It was magical.

Susanna and I figured that since we would be drinking heavily tonight we should eat something substantial for lunch. But on second thought, a belly full of hot dogs is probably not the way to go. Fuck.

Overall rating: 4 stars

state of confusion

2006-02-15T13:18:00.000-05:00

Dear soakingwetpanties2006,

If it weren’t for this blog I would surely be dead by now (or at the very least crying in the 6th floor bathroom stall).

Today for lunch, I ate roast pork and polenta in comfort of my office. The pork was nothing short of a nightmare. I was actually grateful for the greasy skin, as it provided the only moisture to be had. I selected the polenta on a recommendation from Lauren. Can someone explain polenta to me? I think it’s made of soylent green, which as we all know is made of people.

Overall rating: 1 star.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Broccoli

2006-02-14T14:27:00.000-05:00

On the menu today: Roasted Salmon and Baked Potato. Salmon was fishier than usual but the baked potato was f'n awesome...especially after covering it with sour cream and bacon. Broccoli was also on the menu but pizza party stated that it makes you fart. I think it just makes him fart.

Overall rating: 2 1/2 stars

true.

2006-02-14T13:51:00.000-05:00

what a fool believes...

2006-02-13T15:35:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had grilled chicken alfredo and buttered penne. Usually, this dish is somewhat tasty. But today it was everything but. The chicken breasts dry and bland and the neon-yellow alfredo sauce had little white clumps in it and was not as creamy as I would have hoped.

Overall it was a pretty tame lunch, I think we were all still recovering from saturday night's rugelach fiasco.

Overall rating: 1 star

dazed and confused

2006-02-13T14:01:00.000-05:00

For lunch today, I had a grilled Portobello mushroom panini with melted provolone and wilty greens. Everything about this panini was delicious; I was barely able to control my excitement. Thankfully I’m still a little slow following Saturday night’s pot rugelach debacle and I’m only capable of a soft groan at this juncture.

Jesse provided me with dessert in the form of a Blondie Bite.

3.5 stars. Groan.

The offending rugelach:

liquid lunch

2006-02-11T01:12:00.000-05:00

Soaking Wet Panties 2006, I apologize for the lack of updates. On Thursday for lunch I had two and a half Bud Lights at my new best work friend's bar in Williamsburg. Bud Light is shitty, shitty beer, but for lunch it just hits the spot. After this meal I didn't return home until the next morning, and then I slept all day, thus missing the crucial Friday lunch hour.

Four stars for Bud Light.

all you need is a sandwich and a dream...

2006-02-10T14:24:00.000-05:00

On the menu today: Fried Catfish and coleslaw. I customized this lunch and asked for the catfish to be placed between two pieces of bread with some tartar sauce. Lo and behold I was in the presence of a delightful sandwich. I love sandwiches!

The coleslaw was a nice side item. And it soon turned into a tasty desert for Jesse.

I washed all this down with a Snapple Raspberry Iced Tea. I mostly got it for the fun trivia regarding frogs not drinking. What a life they must lead. Poor guys, maybe they need to get invited to some more parties.

Overall rating: 3 1/2 stars

a dingo ate my baby

2006-02-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

Oh, soakingwetpanties2006. I think I must have been a crocodile hunter in a past life. Today for lunch, I ate leftover Shepherd’s pie from Tuck Shop: The Great Aussie Bite, the new café at the nexus of the universe that serves everything from greasy sausage rolls to greasy chicken pot pies to greasy vegemite sandwiches. Also, they serve beer. See what I mean?

Snaps to the creamed corn, which served as both appetizer and dessert.

Overall rating: 3 stars, despite pending gastrointestinal meltdown.

P.S. I learned that frogs do not drink water, courtesy of the Snapple Real Facts Game.

booger gravy is in the hizouse

2006-02-09T15:22:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had roasted turkey breast and garlic mashed potatoes. If this sounds familiar, it is. The only difference was the aforementioned booger gravy.

You will come to the realization that the staff caff has a rotation of about 6 or 7 lunch menus. You will come to know all of them very well.

Overall rating: 2 1/2 stars

i did the mash

2006-02-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

Today at lunch, I postponed my plan to try the Skeletor Bacon Grilled Cheese in favor of roast turkey and mashed potatoes. I’ve always been afraid of ordering cafeteria mashed potatoes but Gael held my hand and I made it to the register. Thanks, Gael.

For dessert I scavenged Lauren’s lemon pound cake, which I polished off as though I hadn’t actually consumed three distinct dinners last night.

This lunch had three-star potential, but regrettably the Staff Caff served up booger gravy, which was both visually and texturally unappealing. 2.5 stars.

Soaking Wet Panties Party Post

2006-02-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

While I realize this might be against protocol (as this does not have much to do with the epicurean adventures of SWP2006 contributing members) SWP's #1 fan big dong is throwing a party this weekend in honor of St. Valentine. Go and watch me get twisted drunk.

In the spirit of SWP2006, big dong did relay the following:

"BTW, for lunch today, which I just finished, I had a tangerine, a coffee from Mano's Papaya and four hits of marijuana. I like to call that a BM-friendly lunch."

only lunch items with "power" in the name need apply

2006-02-08T15:57:00.000-05:00

Due to a late night and a Level 5-er, I had a late breakfast so all I had for lunch was a Vanilla Crisp PowerBar. I have a strange addiction to the oddly textured little buggers, and I like them in any non-fruit flavor, even Chocolate, which looks like poop and tastes nothing like chocolate. I washed it down with three pints of my own club soda/orange juice concoction. Orange juice is better when it's not so sweet, I think, and the dilution allows for greater consumption and hydrating effects.

Two stars.

This model's panties are soaking wet because of his PowerBar:

motherfuckers are so nice

2006-02-08T15:21:00.000-05:00

I was feeling down today at lunch. I haven’t been sleeping and I’ve been drinking rather heavily as of late, so feel bad for me. I peaced out early and made this animated picture of me in my favorite outfit:

Update: If eating day-old mini-muffins is wrong, I don't want to be right.

masters of the universe

2006-02-08T15:02:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had a turkey sandwich on white toast with american cheese, lettuce, mayo, and mustard and some pita chips. Ellen snacked on some of my leftover turkey. I was in a total sandwich mood today and this one really hit the mark. Awesome.

Also during lunch, Jesse, Jason and I were trying to come up with names for our new trivia team for the VH1 pop culture trivia tournament. The finalists were:

date rape
gang bang
skeletor and the zombies
tasty snacks (that was jason's)
castle greyskull

Castle Greyskull is the clear winner. The grand prize is $100,000. Do you know how many meatballs I can buy with that much money? No seriously, I'm asking.

Overall rating: 3 1/2 stars

when in rome...

2006-02-07T16:23:00.000-05:00

Today after taking my little sister to get her first tattoo at Fun City on St. Mark's, we ate lunch at Dojo. I had a turkey burger pita thing. It came on top of a tahini-smothered salad, which, when placed inside the pita, made for a simple yet satisfying meal. I could've used a little more tahini but didn't feel like bothering the rather inattentive waitress.

Three stars, with a half star added for the $2.50 Brooklyn Lager that washed my sandwich down goooood.

Not the Ramones walking on St. Mark's:

shape-shifting round globs of meat

2006-02-07T14:07:00.001-05:00

Today, for lunch I had swedish meatballs and herbed egg noodles. Not bad, but not exactly good either. The sauce kind of looked like diarrhea. During lunch, Ellen stated that she wasn't pleased with her previous meatball experience. Interestingly enough, as soon as I was finished eating, she eyed my leftover meatball and went in for the kill. She asked us not to look at her while she ate it. So we didn't.

Overall rating: 1 star

i don't want none unless you got buns, hon!

2006-02-07T14:07:00.000-05:00

Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy failed to bring his “A” game today. I ordered a turkey sandwich on a roll with American cheese, lettuce, tomato, mustard and mayonnaise. Simple right? Wrong! Dave neglected to cut the roll down the middle, which led to phantom roll on one side. Under these conditions, there was simply no way for me to save one side of roll and some cheese to create a delicious dessert sandwich. I had to eat Gael’s meatball for dessert while Jason stared at me. Jason is creepy.

Perhaps I should just be grateful that there was turkey in my turkey sandwich.

I begrudgingly give this lunch 1.5 stars.

My best friend:

moocher

2006-02-06T18:00:00.000-05:00

I was on the lunch shift at work today, and instead of my usual routine of snarfing a PowerBar in the kitchen so the manager won't yell at me, I let loose and ate quite a bit. As a first course I had half of a prosciutto, pesto, and fontina panino that I'd erroneously ordered for a customer. The panini don't come with the cheese regularly, but they should. Deeeeelish. I followed this up with some meatballs and polenta leftover from a coworker's meal. It's not on the menu either, and we call it the David Lee Roth Special because David Lee Roth, who lives above the restaurant, orders it frequently. While his musical talent is somewhat dubious in my opinion, his ability to create an amazing, hangover curing concoction is to be admired. Then for dessert I had gelato with espresso, which we'd sent over as a freebie to a table but they didn't want it because one didn't drink caffeine and the other would get seizures or something if she did. Their loss.

Today's lunch: four freakin' stars.

swimming upstream

2006-02-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

Today’s lunch was an uphill battle—you know, the kind of battle where winning is almost a punishment.

The offerings were slim. I chose to avoid the fluorescent-yellow carrots and stool-sample kielbasa in favor of poached salmon and scalloped potatoes. The salmon was squeaky, but it went in with little difficulty until dry mouth set in. I doused the potatoes in pepper to encourage flavor, but by the end of the meal I was only eating them so that I didn’t have to look at them anymore.

Skeletor left his Tabasco-slaughtered potatoes on the table. Skeletor is such an only child.

This was a 1.5 star lunch, with negative points awarded for textural ambiguity.

The Salmon Queen, ultimate superfan of the Victoria Salmon Kings (not-so-gifted members of the ECHL Professional Hockey League):

fish dish

2006-02-06T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had braised salmon and scalloped potatoes. Most of my lunch companions had the same meal and they didn't seemed to jazzed about it. I saw a lot of napkin cover-ups. But I liked it. Well, let's just say it was satisfactory. Jason didn't clear his plate when he left. Who the fuck does he think he is anyway?

Overall rating: 2 stars

delayed gratification

2006-02-05T14:37:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I ate breakfast. I’ve been making soft-boiled eggs like they were going out of style for two weeks now. Because I live paycheck to paycheck, I appreciate the low price attached to the nutritional power of the egg.

Sometimes I even bring my soft-boiled eggs to work with me, carefully packaged for the subway as though I were in training for a 7th grade physics experiment.

A handy guide:

princess of power

2006-02-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch my sister and I took a break from clothes shopping and I had a Suneen Health Foods all natural, vegan "Power Sandwich." I'm already familiar with this sandwich, since I get one at the health food store next to Drone's house whenever I visit him for some VH1 and E! watching. It consists of seven grain bread, tofu, textured soy, egg free mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, carrots, hot peppers, onions, sea salt, and spices.

Shut your piehole, Jason. It was delicious.

Three stars.

traitors in the breach!

2006-02-03T14:18:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, Susanna and I decided that after a night of boozing, fast food was definitely in order. Our journey started at McDonald's where we each purchased medium size fries. We then made our way to Wendy's for a classic single cheeseburger. Both were delicious and managed to downsize my level 4 hangover to a more manageable level 3. The lady emptying the garbage at Wendy's called us traitors for bringing in McDonald's fries. I couldn't really tell if she was joking or not so we thought it best to leave.

Overall rating: 3 stars

crunchy

2006-02-02T13:59:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up at 1 p.m., so my lunch was really breakfast. Or will my dinner be my lunch? These are the tough questions...

Anyway, I had a bowl and a half of my own special Special K/Granola blend. My corner deli has a pretty shitty granola selection, and the kind they have requires some added flakes in order to be chewable. My jaw would surely be locked shut had I tried to consume a whole bowl of this particular granola sans assistance. That being said, I love granola in all forms, so I give this lunch two stars.

An Asian youth approves of his granola:

saving my appetite for dinner

2006-02-02T13:47:00.001-05:00

Today for lunch I had a mozzarella and roasted pepper panini and a bag of Terra Blue Potato Chips. Quite boring really, maybe I should have had the fajitas. Oh well, at least I was in good company.

Overall rating: 1 star

Here's a preview of what I'll be having for dinner tonight:

return of the mack

2006-02-02T13:47:00.000-05:00

At lunch today, Skeletor revealed my humble origins in the land of miniature fairies and gumdrop forests. I should have known better than to bring my native vegeturds to work, cleverly disguised though they were in a TJ Maxx shopping bag.

I buy socks at TJ Maxx because you get the Maxx for the minimum price.

Dave the Irrational Sandwich Guy provided me with a heaping plate of beef chili and rice. While not worth mentioning to the unicorns back home, the $3.52 price tag for all that grease was unbeatable.

I give this lunch two stars.

A vegeturd:

goooo team!

2006-02-01T14:28:00.000-05:00

Today I dined with my fellow lunch enthusiasts at their place of employment. I'd been to the Staff Caff several times before, and had already decided yesterday that I would eat a turkey sandwich. What I didn't know yesterday, however, is that this morning I would be startled awake at 11:30 with a Level 4 hangover. This required me to substitute mayonnaise for my usual mustard and to add some swiss cheese and bacon. The turkey there has this mysterious fatty gelatinous rind on the outside that, when artfully picked off with my fingers, rendered this a 3 star meal.

I love mayonnaise.

castle greyskull

2006-02-01T14:22:00.000-05:00

I must confess, soakingwetpanties2006, that today’s lunch was incredibly similar to yesterday’s lunch.

As an amuse bouche, I ate a few bites of leftover pork noodle soup from Plump Dumpling. The opaque light pink color of the broth was slightly jarring and the noodles were irrelevant, but the pork itself was enjoyable. The Boys of Finance criticize my Policy On Leftovers (POL), which is essentially that unless I see or smell something growing in my food that was not already growing there in the first place, I will eat it. Whatever.

For my main course, I ate a double-decker peanut butter and jelly sandwich, assembled using the same ingredients as yesterday. I discovered, courtesy of Jason, that thimbleberries are actually baby bear excrement! The sandwich was delicious.

I give this meal a solid 2 stars.

P.S. Please note that as of lunch today Jason has changed his name to Skeletor.

Who do I have to fuck to get a turkey sandwich around here?

2006-02-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I had a turkey sandwich on white toast with american chesse, lettuce, mayonnaise and mustard. Accompanying my meal was a bag of Stacy's Pita Chips. David, the crazy sandwich guy, forgot to put turkey in my sandwich. What a jackass. I know he did it on purpose. So I sent it back.
After I covered my sandwich with black pepper I was all set and it turned out to be quite delicious. We were once again joined by Jesse and egg salad made a special guest appearance. The soaking wet panties team were united as one.

Overall rating: 2 1/2 stars

oooh amy...

2006-01-31T14:10:00.000-05:00

Unlike Fish Taco, I actually consumed a frozen dinner for lunch today. It was Amy's Indian Vegetable Korma - Curried Vegetables With Rice & Dal. As with everything Amy's, it was fuckin' good. If you have not yet welcomed Amy into your frozen kitchen, I suggest you do so pronto.

For dessert I had a Penguin bar. Errr, biscuit? I never knew what Penguin was until recently, when my parents included a package along with my latest shipment of homemade granola. My dad has some weird obsession with foreign and/or obscure candy bars. I am okay with this.

Combined rating: 3.5 stars. Minus a half star because the basmati rice element of my Indian meal was a little bland and watery.

tryptophannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

2006-01-31T13:42:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I had Roast Turkey Breast (with gravy) and Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes. The turkey was quite succulent and the mash pash was awesome (as usual). What was even more awesome was that one of my oldest and dearest BFFs, Jesse, joined us. We spent most of the hour talking about the new hit reality tv show Flavor of Love and how New York is a skank ho.

Overall rating: 3 stars

Not really what I ate but pretty darn close:

odd man out

2006-01-31T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch I packed leftover chicken wings from last night’s Plump Dumpling dinner and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my Bergdorf Goodman Lunch Box. The day-old wings were greasy but far superior to yesterday’s barbecue fiasco. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich was assembled at approximately 8:45 a.m. using Jif creamy, multigrain bread from the Union Square Market, and thimbleberry jam from some monks in upstate Michigan. It was a first-class sandwich, only I accidentally added an extra slice of bread to one side, making for a lonely trip to the trash can for that little guy.

For dessert, I pillaged the roast turkey on Gael’s plate.

This lunch was delicious in a second grade chocolate-milk-with-lunch kind of way, and thus warrants a 2.5 star rating.

textured soy protein

2006-01-30T14:31:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I had a prepackaged Earthly Eats - Vegetarian Sliced Chicken Sandwich from the nearest health food store, which mysteriously stays in business even though it seems no one really buys anything there, and most products are covered in dust. The sandwich itself sounds and looks disgusting, but I find the varied textures of the vegetarian chicken, eggless mayonnaise, and Chinese cabbage quite satisfying. And it's so healthy! It's like going to the gym, only eating.

I give this lunch one and a half stars, with the half star attributed to the "Under Orthodox Supervision Of Rabbi Israel Steinberg" designation on the label.

My sandwich looked and tasted nothing like this steak, ham, and melted cheese sandwich that I ate for lunch exactly one year and five days ago:

hard mac

2006-01-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

Today for lunch, I ate barbecued chicken and a macaroni and cheese brick. I was put off by the crusty shells of macaroni and the mealy texture of the cheese therein. The dark-meat chicken was just alright, with the skin grossing me out and the sauce sweet but not tangy. Jason closed the meal by snarfing Tabasco noodle soup. “It was like seventeen sushi dinners being shoved up [his] nose at once.”

The next time I want macaroni and cheese, I will bring Easy Mac.

I give this meal .5 stars, with negative stars awarded for appearance.

An Asian youth dressed as macaroni and cheese:

spare me

2006-01-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

Let's just say that today's lunch was a complete debacle. On the menu today: BBQ pork spare ribs and mac and cheese. Sounds delicious right? Wrong. Let's just say that about 2 1/2 minutes into my meal I had to give up and just cover it with napkins. Not even the macaroni and cheese could salvage this lunch. Ellen kept lifting the napkins looking for a little snack and came upon something that looked like a tooth. The only good part about this lunch was when Jason shot chicken soup out of his nose.

Overall rating: 1/2 star

hot dawg

2006-01-27T22:38:00.000-05:00

Today I went to Coney Island and ate a cheese dog. I'd meant to order the $.99 "cheddar dog" with the cheese within the dog, but the cashier misunderstood and gave me a $2.99 cheese covered dog. While the dog itself was more than satisfactory, there was an overabundance of processed cheez product, the majority of which I scraped off with a napkin.

I give this lunch one star.

soaking wet lemon butter sauce

2006-01-27T14:36:00.000-05:00

Dear soaking wet panties 2006,

Today for lunch I had Tilapia with lemon butter sauce and egg noodles. I have to admit, the only thing this dish had going for it was the lemon butter sauce and considering I was in the midsts of a level 5 hangover, eating fish was probably not the way to go. I have learned my lesson. I should have listened to Jason and gone to McDonald's. You can never go wrong with a Big Mac. Never.

Overall rating: 1/2 star

A tilapia:

portion control

2006-01-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

For lunch today, I ate Swedish meatballs and egg noodles. I accidentally dropped a dime in my food and Liz the cafeteria lady retrieved it for me with her tipped nails. The meatballs were decent, if slightly undercooked. I was dismayed by the meatball/noodle/grey sauce ratio, so I ate some of Lauren’s meatballs to even the score. This was a 1.5 star meal.